How to recover from trauma: Healing beyond survival
How to recover from trauma: Healing beyond survival Home → How to recover from trauma: Healing beyond survival Trauma changes the way you think, feel and behave after months and years of being in survival mode. Whether you have experienced sexual abuse, loss, traumatic events, the body becomes stuck in fight, flight or freeze mode. A person experiences extreme anxiety, disassociation and at times reacting to their partner or others in their lives. Healing from trauma isn’t just by ignoring it and storing it in the subconscious becomes it comes back in different ways in life. It is about reclaiming your sense of identity, processing it and rewiring your brain so it feels safe and not in danger. Understanding Trauma Trauma isn’t just about what happened to you but how your mind and body is coping with it. Trauma produces a stress response that can linger for a long time if it is not dealt with. When something or someone threatens your sense of safety your nervous system is activated: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses. You may feel variety of feelings that cause PTSD (Post-traumatic stress disorder), some symptoms may look like: Hypervigilance Extreme anxiety Disassociation (out of body experience) Nightmares or flashbacks Not trusting others or yourself Reactiveness Guilt and shame Your brain and body have been doing the best it can to survive under these circumstances. Some people store their trauma in the subconscious as a way to protect themselves, however, the trauma comes out when it triggers other issues you may experience in life. Healing begins when you are aware of it and surviving isn’t an option any longer. Process of Trauma Recovery Everyone’s journey is different and not linear however these are the steps that therapy can help: 1. Safety and Security When someone goes through a traumatic experience, they feel the need to control things around them as a means to protect themselves from any future danger. You keep walking on eggshells and it becomes exhausting. In therapy, we learn grounding techniques, somatic work and healthier coping mechanisms. We will also delve into childhood dynamics and how unhealthy beliefs contributes to the trauma. We unlearn and process all of it to learn better and healthier coping mechanisms. 2. Processing Once we work on how to feel safe, we process the trauma by externalizing it and not internalizing. That may involve different modalities such as talking through it, EMDR (see EMDR on my services page), cognitive behavioral therapy (reframing) and Gestalt therapy (empty chair technique, see more under my services section). 3. Reconnecting with Reality Trauma can make you feel like you are out of touch with reality. Therapy helps you bring the subconscious to the consciousness and helps you feel grounded in the present moment. As you learn to heal, you begin connecting with your mind, body and soul. You start feeling safe again. Healing takes time, compassion, and it comes in waves. What matters is you continue to be kind and patient with yourself throughout the process. The therapist provides a sense of safety for you to feel comfortable enough to share on your own pace. From Surviving to ThrivingRecovery doesn’t mean it erases your past, it’s about processing it so that it doesn’t control your life anymore. Healing will allow you to: Feel safe Build trust Develop emotional intelligence Feel less anxious Feel happy and joy Taking the step to recover from trauma is a brave journey, one that takes courage and trusting the journey. If you are ready to heal you won’t be alone. I will be there every step of the way. When someone goes through a traumatic experience, they feel the need to control things around them as a means to protect themselves from any future danger. You keep walking on eggshells and it becomes exhausting. In therapy, we learn grounding techniques, somatic work and healthier coping mechanisms. We will also delve into childhood dynamics and how unhealthy beliefs contributes to the trauma. We unlearn and process all of it to learn better and healthier coping mechanisms.
When to consider couples therapy: Recognizing the signs before it’s too late
When to consider couples therapy: Recognizing the signs before it’s too late Home → When to consider couples therapy: Recognizing the signs before it’s too late Every relationship has its ups and downs, but sometimes these challenges couples experience becomes a cycle and after years of being together and ignoring the issues couples face burying the disagreements until it piles up so much it feels like it becomes too many to tackle. Sounds familiar? Read on… Whether it’s consistent disagreements or arguments, feeling unheard, and communication issues couples wait too long to find solutions and seek help. The truth of the matter is, couples therapy isn’t just when the relationship is in crisis mode- it’s also to deepen the connection, learn healthier communication styles, and create safety and security. It’s not what you argue about its HOW you argue that is the problem. So, how do you know its time to seek couples’ therapy? 1. Lack of communication I believe this is one of the main factors that break couple’s up. Healthy communication is the core foundation of many good relationships. When conversations are met with constant defensiveness, criticism, stone walling (shutting down), or overall avoiding conversations- this can be a sign it’s time to seek guidance. 2. You both feel like you are in a repetitive cycle of arguments When arguments aren’t solved, the same argument in different forms will keep building. Whether it’s finances, lack of accountability, lack of empathy or emotional care, co-parenting, or different parenting styles recurring conflicts reflect a deeper emotional need that aren’t being met in the relationship. Couples therapy help you uncover core root of the issues. 3. Intimacy Has Faded It’s normal to feel the passion in your relationship ebbs and flows, but when there is a lack of intimacy or that it’s non-existent, couples therapy can help strengthen and build intimacy again. At times, disconnection and/or resentment pushes people away from intimacy. Couples therapy provides a safe space to explore those thoughts and feelings and process them. 4. Lack of Trust Infidelity, past trauma, trust issues built over time can be deeply wounding to the relationship. Healing from betrayal and working through it in couples therapy can help repair the relationship. Couples therapy can help support partners in this process and build safety and security again. 5. You feel like roommates rather than partners If you feel like you are living parallel lives and you have been on autopilot for a long time- raising kids, working, running a household, disconnection can occur in your relationship. Working together to build the connection and partnership in couples therapy by reigniting the partnership and sharing a common purpose in therapy will be important when working with a couples therapist. 6. Going through a life transition Big life changes such as marriage, illness, relocating, having a child, or career shifts can disrupt the balance of the relationship. Working through this with a therapist can help to process and be on the same page. Therapy helps preventing stress from turning into resentment or disconnection. 7. Relationship difficulties Whether it’s issues with a partner, family member or friend unresolved conflicts and communication issues can lead to constant arguments and resentment. Therapy can work through these issues to build boundaries and strengthen connection with both partners. 8. You want to strengthen your relationship Every couples relationship ebbs and flows. With that being said couples therapy isn’t a fix it all perspective. Therapy can be preventative before it becomes too late to deal with challenges. Therapy can help improve communication, deepen connection and prepare for the future. It is like maintenance on the relationship. 9. Partners are consistently defensive In a relationship there is one partner who may be more defensive and it just feels like the conversations are going in circles and there is no resolution. In couples’ therapy, the therapist guides the client to improve communication between partners and have an understanding so that both partners feel heard. 10. You feel disconnected from your partner Emotional disconnection is a real problem in a relationship. If you have felt connection at the beginning of your relationship and it has dissipated along the way, it’s time to seek couples’ therapy. Therapy will help explore the disconnection and learn other ways to connect. Some couples lose the connection because of life transitions or when kids are involved and all the focus is on them for years. Along the way, the couples struggle to focus on themselves. Couples therapy helps rebuild the relationship.
Can a Narcissist Change?
Can a Narcissist Change? Home → Can a Narcissist Change? Can a Narcissist Change? People, including those with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), can change. Lasting results often depend on a commitment to change, a willingness to self-reflect, and the ability to cultivate empathy. You can change your thoughts and behaviors when living with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). NPD is treatable, though success often relies on recognizing unhelpful processes and the desire to improve them. “Absolutely, someone with NPD can change, although the process can be gradual,” says Jennifer Worley, a licensed marriage and family therapist from San Juan Capistrano, California. Signs someone living with NPD is open to change Change isn’t easy. Even if you aren’t living with a mental health condition, moving from what you’re familiar with into the unknown can be uncomfortable. If you live with NPD, not only is change difficult, but realizing you may need to change can be even more challenging. AwarenessIn any life circumstance, change is less likely when you don’t think it’s necessary. Individuals with ego-centric traits mainly think of themselves with a decreased regard for how other people think or feel. As an ego-centric disorder, NPD can make it challenging to see the negative side of narcissistic behaviors. Recognizing unhelpful behavior patterns is essential. “Awareness is key to admitting one’s faults and taking accountability for one’s behaviors and attitudes,” says Natalie Jambazian, a licensed marriage and family therapist from Los Angeles. “… They first have to acknowledge that their behavior is causing their partner and others harm.” Willingness to self-reflectSelf-reflection involves examining your values, motives, behaviors, and relationships and how they interconnect. But self-reflection can be difficult for people living with NPD because the disorder naturally biases you toward a favorable opinion of yourself. Wanting to self-reflect can be a positive indicator of change. “Individuals open to change are willing to engage in self-reflection and examine their thoughts and behaviors critically,” says Ann Robinson, a licensed clinical social worker from Fort Collins, Colorado. Evidence of empathyOne of the defining characteristics of NPD is lack of empathy. Empathy, the ability to relate to the emotional states and experiences of others, is a foundational part of building and maintaining bonds with people. Experiencing empathy when you live with NPD can help you see why change is essential. “One of the most telling signs is a genuine acknowledgment of their behavior and its impact on others,” Worley explains. “This might manifest as expressions of remorse, a willingness to seek therapy, or actively seeking feedback about their behavior.” Putting in the workMaintaining consistency in their effort is another sign that someone living with NPD may want to change, Jambazian says. “Staying consistent with their healing is a good sign that shows change is possible.” Putting in the work to change indicates a strong desire for change. Characteristics of people living with NPD At its core, narcissism is excessive self-love or self-focus. It exists on a spectrum — many people have narcissistic traits but don’t have a personality disorder. It’s OK to experience a sense of self-love and to think well of yourself. On the low end of the spectrum, narcissistic traits can be an empowering force. But NPD is the far end of the narcissism spectrum. NPD is diagnosed when narcissism becomes an enduring pattern of self-importance that negatively affects your life and interpersonal relationships. “Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by a deep-seated pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy toward others,” Worleys says. To receive a diagnosis of NPD, per the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition, text revision (DSM-5-TR), five or more of the following persistent patterns or behaviors must be present by early adulthood: a grandiose sense of self-importance preoccupation with limitless power, success, ideal love, beauty, or intelligence belief of being better or more special than others and understood only by society’s elite need for excessive admiration a sense of extreme entitlement manipulation and exploitation of others lack of empathy envious of others or believes they’re at the center of others’ envy arrogance Treatment strategies for someone living with NPD Treatment is available if you live with NPD or want to change narcissistic traits. Psychotherapy, which can involve various approaches, can help you recognize and restructure unhelpful thoughts and behaviors in NPD. Jambazian suggests therapy approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or dialectic behavioral therapy (DBT), which can help you address behavior and underlying issues. “In addition, the psychodynamic approach is helpful by working on bringing the unconscious mind to the consciousness,” says Jambazian. She adds that therapy focused on working through early childhood experiences that have affected adult behaviors is also a groundbreaking intervention for NPD. There’s currently no standardized treatment methodTrusted Source for NPD. Your therapist will work with you to create a treatment plan specifically for you. “In therapy, individuals with NPD can explore the underlying causes of their narcissistic traits, gain self-awareness, and develop healthier coping mechanisms,” Robinson explains. “Change is often gradual, and it requires the individual’s commitment to self-improvement.” References: https://psychcentral.com/health/can-a-narcissist-change?fbclid=PAZnRzaANjclpleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABp7U_GyN6SAIg3IqKnvfkj8JJ9DXINnE-6kMYIo0EZWds1OExJ5olC3rkdDDc_aem_I_GzBF3NQ52TjQo56FoHxw#treatment
Meet Natalie Jambazian
Meet Natalie Jambazian Home → Meet Natalie Jambazian Meet Natalie Jambazian Natalie, thanks for joining us, excited to have you contributing your stories and insights. Coming up with the idea is so exciting, but then comes the hard part – executing. Too often the media ignores the execution part and goes from idea to success, skipping over the nitty, gritty details of executing in the early days. We think that’s a disservice both to the entrepreneurs who built something amazing as well as the public who isn’t getting a realistic picture of what it takes to succeed. So, we’d really appreciate if you could open up about your execution story – how did you go from idea to execution? As a licensed marriage and family therapist I wanted to go beyond the scope of just seeing one on one clients. In the realm of mental health and well-being, the path from a mere idea to the realization of one’s vision can be transformative as it is challenging. For me, the journey began with a simple notion- an idea that started in my heart and mind, driven by my passion to make a difference in people’s lives. Today, as a practiced therapist I took on a voyage to write a book on narcissistic abuse recovery. I had come across many clients who I recognized went through challenges and are currently struggling to heal from these types of toxic dynamics. As I was going through my own healing I really wanted to help others around the world who didn’t have the means or the resources to seek therapy. So, I started jotting down notes, researching, watching videos online and using my own personal experiences to incorporate in my book. This journey was not without its twists, turns, and moment of self-doubt. Through many hurdles and feeling stuck I hired a business coach. Coaching helped me get out of my head and not fear success. It helped me create goals and a system that worked for me. I had limiting beliefs on not being successful and through series of coaching it helped me launch my website. Social media is also a widespread network that I also wanted to be involved in. I hired a videographer who filmed me while I talked about how to break free from narcissistic relationships. By being consistent it helped me grow my platform on TikTok, Youtube, and Instagram. I also hired a publicist who helped me to be featured in articles I specialized in. As you can tell, although I had the knowledge and expertise on the topic of narcissism I did not specialize on the other things such as marketing and getting my name out there. Seeking help from people who have their own specialty I developed a group of supportive people that elevated by business. As I currently work on the last drafts of my book to be released January 2024, I look back and recognize that seeking help and investing time, money, and energy from others built my confidence and encouraged me to pursue my dreams beyond being a therapist. As always, we appreciate you sharing your insights and we’ve got a few more questions for you, but before we get to all of that can you take a minute to introduce yourself and give our readers some of your back background and context? I used to work in the entertainment industry as a personal assistant to a celebrity. In my 20s I thought that was the coolest job, and it was, at the time. Yet, I wasn’t fully happy and fulfilled, I learned every rejection was a redirection for me. I knew I was meant to be more than a personal assistant. I have always been intrigued by psychology, how the brain works and why people act the way they do. For that reason, I decided to go back to school to finish my bachelor’s then my master’s to become a psychotherapist. Once I was on that journey I truly felt like I belonged. With a passion for empowering individuals, I started working in private practice over 7 years ago. I specialize in working with clients struggling with anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, trauma, and individuals recovering from narcissistic relationships. What sets me apart from other therapists is my expertise in understanding and guiding clients through unique challenges posed by narcissistic dynamics. I also work with clients to unpack childhood wounds that impact them as an adult in their intimate relationships. As a licensed marriage and family therapist I take immense pride in my journey of helping individuals and families to navigate dating and relationships in this modern age. What I am most proud of is my unwavering commitment to fostering positive change in the lives of my clients. We’d love to hear the story of how you built up your social media audience? I discovered social media has been a platform for all entrepreneurs, through that realization I decided to embark on a journey to build my social media presence. It all began with a passion for a specific niche, helping others to love themselves by recognizing their self-worth in order to let go of toxic/narcissistic patterns in their lives. I started by identifying my niche, something that I was genuinely passionate about not only because I have had experience in narcissistic relationships myself but I noticed many people were struggling with these types of dynamics. Armed with my passion, I hired a business coach which helped me set up a vision and actionable steps to build quality engagement. I first started with a photoshoot to show others who I am in an authentic way so that people can relate. I used captivating captions and stayed consistent with my posts. I wasn’t afraid to learn and grow, I researched trends, attended webinars and followed social media experts. The knowledge helped me understand the algorithms and gained insights into what worked best on each platform. Over time, I developed a unique brand called self-love
SEX FILES: Breaking up with a ‘situationship’ is hard to do
SEX FILES: Breaking up with a ‘situationship’ is hard to do Home → SEX FILES: Breaking up with a ‘situationship’ is hard to do SEX FILES: Breaking up with a ‘situationship’ is hard to do As the lines between casual hookups and long-term commitment become increasingly blurry, new data shows that more hearts are being broken as the result of situationships — romantic relationships that lack a clear definition or commitment — than committed relationships. So, what makes the implosion of a situationship so emotionally fraught? According to experts, the answer is complicated. “Situationships can be confusing and emotionally complex because they don’t have the clear boundaries and expectations that come with a committed relationship,” says eharmony relationship expert Minaa B. Part of the problem is that a situationship is still a relationship, even if it’s not formally designated as such. Minaa B. says, “In a situationship, two people may be spending a significant amount of time together, sharing intimate moments and feelings, and even engaging in physical intimacy, but without any clear commitment or path towards a future together it can leave both parties feeling uncertain, anxious and vulnerable. “Additionally, because there may not have been a formal commitment, it can be harder to find support from friends and family who may not understand the emotional investment and vulnerability that comes with a situationship.” As a result, these kinds of breakups can feel especially lonely. Situationships are also notoriously unbalanced. As eharmony relationship expert Laurel House explains, “It’s not unusual for people in situationships to deeply invest in their partner, despite not getting the reciprocation they want to receive.” Therefore, in addition to mourning the loss of the relationship, a person may also need to grieve the unreciprocated effort and lost time they invested in the romance. The steamy nature of situationships also makes for a painful aftermath. “Situationships are usually charged by chemistry which fades when you start to settle into the calm of daily life but there’s often still an emotional charge in these relationships that can lead to a bigger letdown when it’s over. Heightened chemistry can make the emotions feel deeper, creating a heightened reaction to rejection,” says House. If you’re currently experiencing the fall-out of a situationship — or any breakup — here’s what you can do to feel better and move forward. Disengage from your ex on social media. While social media is a great tool for keeping up with friends and loved ones, it can also be our downfall when it comes to getting over our ex. For this reason, House encourages people to block their ex on all social media platforms — at least for the time being. “As much as you might ‘think’ you want to know what they are doing and who they’ve moved on with, it won’t help you heal. You will only be hurting yourself and prolonging the unhealthy one-sided relationship that won’t allow you to fully let your heart heal and move on!” Write your ex a goodbye letter. Often the best closure is the closure you create yourself. To gain the necessary clarity to move on, House suggests writing a letter to your ex that’s intended for your eyes only. House says, you can format it as such, “Dear Ex, I’m saying goodbye because _______ (or this is over because … or I’m letting you go because …). I forgive you for _______ and I forgive myself for _____. I learned from you _____. Thank you for_______.” Once it’s complete, consider shredding or setting the letter on fire to symbolically let go and move on. Seek the help of a therapist. The end of a relationship can bring up a lot of old wounds. “Situationship” or not, experiencing loss can trigger a lot of different emotions. Some of these emotions are feelings of abandonment, isolation or rejection. Many of the narratives that are formed within these emotions include “not being good enough,” says Cheryl Groskopf, a licensed marriage and family therapist. For this reason, it can be beneficial to seek the help of a professional. Natalie Jambazian, MA, LMFT, encourages people to “work through any childhood issues that may manifest in adult relationships that are causing you to accept a situationship. Practice setting boundaries and not tolerating breadcrumbs (when someone sends mixed signals to keep another person interested enough to stick around).” Allow yourself to grieve. Whether it was a committed relationship or something more casual, a loss is a loss. “Both types of relationships experience grieving the loss of someone and the emotional detachment it takes to heal through it,” says Jambazian. It’s normal to feel upset. Be gentle with yourself and create space to feel whatever you need to feel. References: https://torontosun.com/life/sex-files/sex-files-breaking-up-with-a-situationship-is-hard-to-do?fbclid=PAZnRzaANjchFleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABp0wL4EKs2BFnHUu41DIFKWgRNg_lK65XEGZkMa6P-g1pKW_kaR7sUSUbSkM3_aem_u-abUpmuC_OE2S6o-n4Brg
You, Me, and ADHD: How Dating Someone Else With ADHD Made Me More Sensitive Toward My Own Struggles—And More Aware of My Strengths
You, Me, and ADHD: How Dating Someone Else With ADHD Made Me More Sensitive Toward My Own Struggles—And More Aware of My Strengths Home → You, Me, and ADHD: How Dating Someone Else With ADHD Made Me More Sensitive Toward My Own Struggles—And More Aware of My Strengths You, Me, and ADHD: How Dating Someone Else With ADHD Made Me More Sensitive Toward My Own Struggles—And More Aware of My Strengths “Babe? …Babe! Have you seen the box cutter?” My boyfriend calls out the question from the other side of our Brooklyn apartment, frantically opening cabinets and drawers. I sigh, head to the kitchen, and guide him over to the island. Pulling out the top counter drawer next to the sink, I say, “Here it is; I started keeping it in here, remember?” He smiles, gives me a kiss, and thanks me. The thing is, he doesn’t remember. He doesn’t remember our previous conversation, and he doesn’t remember that one day, months ago, during a frenzied cleaning spell, I had decided that the always-in-demand-yet-always-missing box cutter now belongs in the kitchen. My brilliant boyfriend does, however, remember the last time he used the tool. He can even recall the exact spot wherehe left it last: inside of a tool belt slung atop our foldable ladder in the office closet. My boyfriend and I moved in together six months ago, and we bothhave attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), a neurodevelopmental chronic condition that can affect attention span, mood, memory, and productivity. But while he was diagnosed with the condition at a young age and has lived nearly his entire life knowing he is a neurodivergent person, my diagnosis came later in life, as is often the case for adult women with ADHD. During a routine physical exam six years ago, at age 22—about a year into dating my boyfriend—I expressed my frustrations to my doctor about how difficult it was for me to pay attention in college and remember simple instructions at work. At the time, I was a water park manager and often had to balance pool chemicals and provide first aid to pool-goers; I couldn’t afford to forget even the smallest of steps. A short quiz and a few probing questions later, my doctor presented me with my ADHD diagnosis, which explained why life seemed so much more difficult for me than it did for others. Near immediately, my diagnosis provided some helpful clarity about why I operate the way I do—like why I chronically reply late to texts and get such poor sleep. But also, it opened up a completely new can of worms in regard to my relationship. In the year prior to that exam, before my boyfriend and I moved in together and, thus, led separate lives, in separate apartments with separate schedules, small miscommunications and forgotten appointments (on both ends) seemed normal and inconsequential. But with my new diagnosis and a fresh understanding of our shared symptoms, I began to question whether a dual-ADHD partnership would be feasible long-term. Time proved it was indeed possible. Once the COVID-19 pandemic began to wane in 2022, we decided to live together, prompting new questions about how we’d cohabitate. Navigating life alone with ADHD was already a battle; how would my ADHD boyfriend and I manage sharing a household? Uncovering my natural gifts and virtues through dating someone else with ADHD While ADHD can manifest in dramatically different ways in any two given people, there are some neurological commonalities that can make a dual-ADHD partnership challenging, says clinical psychologist Andrew Kahn, PsyD, who was also diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and is now the associate director of behavior change and expertise at Understood.org, a nonprofit that provides informational resources for neurodivergent folks and people with learning disabilities. “For example, difficulties with forgetfulness, and keeping track of day-to-day things, like appointments, dates, and paying bills [tend to occur].” And in a partnership where both people are managing these struggles, it can be doubly difficult to surmount them, he adds. That’s certainly been true in my relationship, especially since moving in with my boyfriend. While we split the household duties evenly, sometimes we get sidetracked during chores, our fickle attention spans pulling us away from the laundry and toward the television. Even though we hung up two shared monthly calendars in separate areas of our home, we still forget important dates and appointments. Sometimes those lapses are pretty inconsequential, like missing a dinner reservation; other times, they’ve been figuratively or literally costly, like forgetting a parking ticket due-by date. Our shared struggles with sleep and proclivity to stay up late make sticking to a sleep schedule difficult. And, unlike in the quickly solved case of the box cutter, locating a simple household item can require a level of detective work that could rival that of Sherlock Holmes. Despite these challenges, our home is also undeniably filled with love and magic. Our eclectic tastes have married nicely, and our apartment walls are covered with a mishmash of beautiful posters and vinyls we’ve accumulated over the seven years we’ve been together. Our similar thought patterns make our conversations particularly animated and exciting; in our shared home, away from the rest of the world, we’re free to fire off ideas without worrying about interrupting strangers or feeling shameful about our (admittedly loud AF) outdoor voices. Perhaps most poignantly, however, dating someone else with ADHD has pushed me to be gentler toward myself. Like my boyfriend, I sometimes forget things, missing an appointment here or leaving a text unread for days there. But recognizing these behaviors in both of us has allowed me to give myself grace. These things don’t disprove or discredit our brilliance; rather, they’re small facets of our full and multifaceted selves. My boyfriend is clever, resilient, hilarious, kind, and curious—not in spite of his ADHD mind, but because of it. And if that’s true for him, well… maybe it’s true for me, too. While I, like my boyfriend, have been known to struggle with seeing a task through to completion, I can also now recognize
Should You Break Up With Your Partner? 9 Signs To End The Relationship And 5 Signs To Stay, Per Experts
Should You Break Up With Your Partner? 9 Signs To End The Relationship And 5 Signs To Stay, Per Experts Home → Should You Break Up With Your Partner? 9 Signs To End The Relationship And 5 Signs To Stay, Per Experts Should You Break Up With Your Partner? 9 Signs To End The Relationship And 5 Signs To Stay, Per Experts Debating whether or not to end a relationship can be an overwhelming experience. If you’re in this situation, chances are you’re feeling a mix of complicated emotions—confusion, anxiety, indecision, even grief. Maybe you’re in a long-term relationship, but your once-solid connection is starting to fade, or your spicy romance that began a few months ago feels like it’s fizzling out. Perhaps your partner is amazing, but you secretly wonder if they’re really “The One.” Whatever your circumstances, the question of “Should I break up with my significant other?” probably doesn’t have a clear-cut answer. “Figuring out whether or not to leave a relationship can be a complex and challenging decision,” says Lisa Lawless, PhD, a clinical psychotherapist and the CEO of Holistic Wisdom. “If you’re considering a breakup, it’s essential to do some self-reflection and determine the reasons leading you down this path.” For example, do you want to break up because your boyfriend keeps leaving dishes in the sink, or because you have deep, fundamental differences? Are you going through a rough patch because work has been stressful, or are you actually not happy together anymore? Reflecting on your unique situation can help you make an informed decision and ensure you’re not acting purely out of fear, Lawless says. If you’re considering a breakup, know that it’s normal to feel conflicted right now, and your feelings are valid. Thinking about your relationship ending is far from enjoyable, but it is possible to find happiness and peace in your decision. Here’s what to consider before breaking up with your partner, according to relationship experts. 9 Signs You Should Break Up With Your Partner First, a quick caveat: Every relationship is different, and there is no one-size-fits-all list when determining whether or not to break up. Ultimately, the decision to break up or not will depend on your relationship’s unique circumstances—plus, some “signs” might be bigger dealbreakers than others. Of course, it’s worth noting that any form of physical or emotional abuse signals it’s time to get out and seek help from your support system. But “other signs are less obvious and more personal,” says Patrice Le Goy, LMFT, PhD, a Los Angeles-based licensed marriage and family therapist. Because everyone’s situation is nuanced, it’s important to carefully consider your decision and weigh the pros and cons of staying versus leaving, she adds. That said, here are nine potential signs it’s time to break up with your partner: 1. You’re consistently unhappy. No relationship is sunshine and rainbows all the time. But “if you find yourself constantly feeling more drained than energized, more sad than happy, or generally unfulfilled—even with attempts at clear communication—this can be a sign [it’s time to break up],” says Los Angeles-based therapist Natalie Jambazian, MA, LMFT. Experiencing chronic unhappiness, repeated conflict, or overwhelming challenges with your partner could also indicate incompatibility, Lawless adds. “While all relationships can experience challenges, those should be far and few between the calm and happy intimate moments,” she explains. If, to quote Marie Kondo, your relationship no longer “sparks joy,” it could be worth reflecting on whether you’re better off cutting bait. 2. The emotional connection isn’t there anymore. If you feel like you’re growing apart from your partner—or if you’re confident that your romance has faded altogether—it may be a sign to end the relationship, says Laura Wasser, a divorce lawyer, family law and relationship expert, and chief of divorce evolution at Divorce.com. “If the emotional connection feels like it’s slipped away and you’re living parallel lives without true intimacy, it could be a sign,” she says. Sometimes, this can look like “feeling more like roommates than romantic partners” or even avoiding each other, Wasser explains. “When you’re actively looking for reasons to avoid coming home or making plans that don’t include your partner, there’s likely a deeper issue. Avoidance isn’t the same as spending time apart, which can be healthy; it’s deliberately dodging interaction.” 3. You have different core values. Having common values is key when building a successful relationship, and misaligned principles can mean that the connection isn’t going to last long-term, says Lawless. “While it is completely reasonable to have differences of opinion, there should not be fundamental differences in your values or goals,” she says. Many couples don’t recognize this right away, she explains, and they end up sacrificing their wants and needs in the relationship to try to make the other person happy. “Both partners can feel like they’re sacrificing an important part of themselves, which often causes resentment and a loss of self-esteem,” she says. It’s perfectly acceptable to have different opinions and preferences. Maybe your partner loves fancy vacations while you prefer to keep things more low-key, or you have different religious beliefs but you can still appreciate and celebrate each other’s traditions. The issue, Jambazian says, comes in when there are “fundamentally different goals, values, or visions of the future that cannot be worked on.” Fundamental dealbreakers will look different for everyone, but if you share starkly different beliefs about important topics like where to live long-term, marriage, starting a family, or political issues, it may be worth considering if this relationship is for you. 4. There’s a lack of trust. Maybe your partner cheated or you caught them in a lie—or maybe they’ve continuously crossed a boundary that makes you uncomfortable, but when you bring it up, they brush things off or say you’re being overly dramatic. “If one partner consistently fails to honor your boundaries or engages in behaviors like gaslighting and belittling, it signals a significant lack of respect and trust within the relationship,” says Jambazian. If
A therapist counsels a woman whose boyfriend won’t block his lovelorn ex-girlfriend – even though she’s demanded it
A therapist counsels a woman whose boyfriend won’t block his lovelorn ex-girlfriend – even though she’s demanded it Home → A therapist counsels a woman whose boyfriend won’t block his lovelorn ex-girlfriend – even though she’s demanded it A therapist counsels a woman whose boyfriend won’t block his lovelorn ex-girlfriend – even though she’s demanded it I recently found out that my boyfriend has been messaging his ex-girlfriend on Facebook. They dated 12 years ago, but she recently reached out. When I saw their conversation, including a message that she sent saying “You’re my drug,” I went ballistic. I told my boyfriend that he needs to block her and stop communicating with her, but he hasn’t yet. He gets mad whenever I bring it up, saying I’m harping on this. But he’s messaged other girls behind my back before and lied about it until I saw the proof. We live together and I’m not dealing with this again. I feel like he’s being beyond disrespectful, but am I wrong? – Pennsylvania Dear Pennsylvania, I’m so sorry that you feel disrespected in your relationship. I can understand why you told your boyfriend to end contact with his ex-girlfriend. You probably want to know that you can trust him, and that you have some control over your future with him. But you can’t expect your boyfriend to obey this demand, at least not without a deeper conversation about the state of your relationship, California-based therapist Natalie Jambazian, who specializes in helping clients heal from narcissistic abuse, told me. When partners have a pattern of distrust in their relationship, like due to physical or emotional cheating, it can cause them to enter “survival mode” to avoid feeling betrayed again, Jambazian told me. She said that can often be in the form of making demands or monitoring a partner’s behaviors in an attempt to feel safe in the relationship. But being hypervigilant towards your partner only gives the illusion of control and safety, according to Jambazian. Ultimately, we can only control ourselves. To repair a relationship after a pattern of distrust, both partners must show a willingness to be honest about what they need and aren’t getting, and the ability to hear how they’ve been falling short for their partner without getting defensive, Jambazian said. “Change happens when you’re actually putting in the effort to work on yourself and as a couple,” she said. Reflect on your relationship expectations – and get to know your partner’s According to Jambazian, people may quietly look for connection elsewhere when they feel like they’re not being heard or valued in their relationship. That doesn’t justify a partner’s secretive behavior. But it can serve as a clue about what needs to change in your relationship to end the cycle of secrecy and distrust, Jambazian said. She said that partners need to communicate about what they need to feel supported, and listen to and apply the things that their partner says they need. To do that, find a time when you’re both calm and in a good mindset to chat, not on the heels of an argument, Jambazian said. Then, use “I” statements to share the behaviors you’ve noticed and how they’ve been making you feel. You could say something like, “I noticed that you’re still texting with your ex. I feel unimportant and disconnected from you when this happens. Can we talk about it?” From there, your boyfriend may feel able to share his side of things without becoming defensive. The goal here isn’t to prove one of you is right and the other wrong, or for your boyfriend to immediately agree to your demand to block his ex. Rather, it’s to understand how you’ve each been feeling, and how you can both shift your behavior to support each other better, Jambazian said. This won’t be a one-time conversation, Jambazian said. Rather, couples working through feelings of betrayal should commit to regular check-ins about their relationship. And if you can afford therapy, a couple’s therapist can be a helpful resource for working through more difficult conversations, Jambazian told me. She also suggested keeping a journal to track how your conversations go. Are you and your partner getting better at being curious and empathetic instead of defensive? Do you notice yourself feeling happier and more secure in your relationship? If you don’t notice even a little bit of progress, it could be a sign you’re not compatible with your boyfriend. Ultimately, you should trust your instincts, Jambazian said. Recognize your deepest fears so they don’t control you But if we don’t notice how those behaviors are showing up in our adult relationships, where we take care of ourselves, we can’t see how they’re holding us back from being our truest selves. Getting familiar with your childhood feelings and experiences can help you stand up for what you need now, like reassurance or consistency. Perhaps more importantly, recognizing your deepest fears can help you come to terms with ending relationships that aren’t good for you, knowing that what you deserve will come in due time. 6. Give time for grief. Positive healing isn’t all about vision boards, memory jars, and new hobbies, however. You also have to tackle the hard stuff, because cheating can cause “micro-deaths” in a relationship, according to Lori Kret, LCSW, licensed therapist, board certified coach, and co-founder of Aspen Relationship Institute. “Trust, intimacy and emotional safety are often lost, but often more impactful is the death of the stories partners had about each other and their relationship,” she explains. In order to heal from this, Kret says time has to be made for both partners to grieve and share their feelings about the losses caused by the infidelity. “Once they have been named and brought to the surface, partners have an opportunity to consciously create and rebuild what specifically was lost,” she says. References: https://www.businessinsider.com/what-to-do-boyfriend-keeps-texting-messaging-ex-girlfriend-2023-8?fbclid=PAZnRzaANjcdFleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABp7A26u1KIIEwpW2UUQm2HNzoJb7IK_kMuggbVLNXy-yfLX7FsmksmIyc41on_aem_PLauEP_jhRyiXT92nyYOeA
7 Positive Ways to Get Over Cheating, Therapists Say
7 Positive Ways to Get Over Cheating, Therapists Say Home → 7 Positive Ways to Get Over Cheating, Therapists Say 7 Positive Ways to Get Over Cheating, Therapists Say Cheating can be the breaking point for many couples. In fact, infidelity is one of the most common factors behind breakups and divorces. But that’s not always the case, and plenty of people do try to make things work after finding out their partner has been unfaithful. This is hardly an easy thing to do, as affairs can contribute to distrust and tension in a relationship. Talking to therapists, we gathered tips on how couples can move forward together in a positive way. Read on to discover seven things you can do to get over cheating. 1. Create a vision board together. ne of the most positive ways you can move forward in your relationship is by making plans for the future. Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, New York City-based neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind, suggests couples collaborate on creating a vision board that represents the “future you want to build together.” “This helps each person to understand their partner’s desired future and reinforces commitment to a renewed and positive relationship,” Hafeez says. “Display the vision board prominently in your living space as a daily reminder of your shared goals and aspirations.” 2. Engage in recommitment rituals. Before you begin thinking about the future, you may want to develop a fresh start for your relationship following an affair. David Tzall, PsyD, licensed psychologist based in New York City, tells Best Life that engaging in recommitment rituals can help symbolize this new beginning for couples. “This could involve writing letters to each other, planning a special date, or creating new shared experiences,” he says. “These rituals can help rekindle the emotional connection, reinforce commitment, and create positive memories to replace the pain of infidelity.” 3. Go on a couples retreat. If you want to work on rebuilding your relationship somewhere new, Jennifer Kelman, LCSW, family therapist and relationship expert working with JustAnswer, recommends going on a couples retreat. “These retreats are wonderful because they are filled with workshops, and other moments for couples to deepen and strengthen their relationship,” Kelman shares. Hafeez suggests taking things a step further by taking an adventure retreat, like a wilderness expedition or a road trip. “This can help couples rebuild trust and intimacy,” she notes. “Facing challenges together in a new and unfamiliar environment allows partners to rely on each other for support, leading to shared growth and a sense of accomplishment.” 4. Discover a new hobby together. Not all couples have the time or money to take a retreat, however. If that’s the case, you can still create a similar bonding experience by discovering a new hobby that you can do together, according to Natalie Jambazian, LMFT, a Los Angeles-based therapist for women’s mental health and relationships. “Maybe that’s playing pickleball, working out, cooking, or making art,” Jambazian says. “No matter what, this provides much-needed quality time with your partner, which helps build more intimacy and common interests.” 5. Make a memory jar of positivity. You can also take a direct approach to positivity by “creating a memory jar and filling it with notes highlighting positive experiences, qualities, and milestones of your relationship,” Hafeez suggests. “The memory jar will remind you of your relationship’s strengths, helping couples focus on the positive aspects as they move forward,” she explains. “Whenever doubt or negativity arises, take turns picking notes from the jar to remind yourselves of the love you share.” 6. Give time for grief. Positive healing isn’t all about vision boards, memory jars, and new hobbies, however. You also have to tackle the hard stuff, because cheating can cause “micro-deaths” in a relationship, according to Lori Kret, LCSW, licensed therapist, board certified coach, and co-founder of Aspen Relationship Institute. “Trust, intimacy and emotional safety are often lost, but often more impactful is the death of the stories partners had about each other and their relationship,” she explains. In order to heal from this, Kret says time has to be made for both partners to grieve and share their feelings about the losses caused by the infidelity. “Once they have been named and brought to the surface, partners have an opportunity to consciously create and rebuild what specifically was lost,” she says. 7. Go to couples therapy. There’s no shame in seeking professional help in order to get over cheating in a relationship, especially because “infidelity can be a complex and emotional charged issue,” Tesa Saulmon, psychotherapist and founder of Root to Bloom Therapy, says. As a result, couples therapy can actually be “immensely beneficial” if you want to move forward together, according to Saulmon. “A therapist can provide guidance, facilitate productive conversations, and help both partners navigate the complex emotions associated with the affair,” she says. “Therapy can also help the couple explore the underlying issues that contributed to the infidelity and develop healthier patterns of communication and intimacy.” References: https://bestlifeonline.com/positive-ways-to-get-over-cheating/?fbclid=PAZnRzaANjcaJleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABp0AsoHMKz7r7OgNs8Ly-mJfxPRNY2IzlM3rsPAqGkLhDyHGFXXOAKAt_oaaq_aem_Qzu6JJ8c3HWxqeQCGWCUWQ
Best Practices
Best Practices Home → Best Practices Best Practices As Mental Health clinicians we have certain protocol under the standard of care. But do we follow them? Do we skip certain criteria causing us to miss the mark; often relative to the tiniest word or phrase? When it comes to social media and promoting ourselves wouldn’t it be great if there were some tools to refresh our memory! This is where I jump in! I want to highlight tips on dos and don’ts for best practices when we advertise on social media. Here are this issue’s dos and don’ts. Do: Marriage and Family Therapist Interns: When promoting yourselves online; write your full name, full title, and BBS registration number where it will be visible as well as your supervisor’s full name, title and license number. For example, if you write Bob Joe, MFTI on the top of your website/social media or promotional page, be sure to include the following somewhere on the same page, Bob Joe, Marriage and Family Therapist Registered Intern, IMF #, Supervised by Anita Avedian, LMFT #). Don’t: Use abbreviations as it is important to write out all acronyms in order to be in compliance with the Board of Behavioral Science guidelines. This would be wrong . . . Bob Joe, MFTI, IMF #. Supervised by Anita Avedian LMFT #. Do: When seeking referral on social media, it is essential to be discrete and practice appropriate confidentiality protocol. Best practice would be to write: “Seeking CBT therapist for a client struggling with depression.” Don’t: Share detailed information about your clients Avoid writing “Seeking CBT therapist for 32 year old women, recently divorced, single mom with 2 children.” Less is more and will keep you in practice for a long time!! It is easy to break rules and difficult to always know the right thing to do with so many guidelines to which we must adhere. The good news is we can refer to BBS website if we need a refresher or come back here for another tip or two in upcoming issues. http://www.bbs.ca.gov/pdf/publications/advertising.pdf